The Fear of Wanting Something So Much That You’d Pray For It

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I would like my life to be if I could change it.  My life isn’t very satisfying right now.  It’s not that I don’t have people who love and care for me, I do.  It’s not that I’m financially strapped, my wife makes a good living.

It’s actually very scary to think about what I truly want.  I worry whether it will be as good as I visualize it.  I worry whether I’ll end up alone or, even worse, living with someone that I don’t care for (enough.)

But I’m not who I want to be and I’m not doing what I want to be doing.  A lot of my current situation is due to the stroke.  But not all of it.  And in some ways, the stroke has clarified how the current direction of my life is deviating from what I sense is my true direction.

It’s not like I made some huge decision at some point and my path veered dramatically off-course.  It’s more like it’s a result of many small decisions and non-decisions that over time changed my life.  Unfortunately, now I have to deal with the cumulative effect of those decisions and struggle to get my course headed in the right direction again.

Many of those places (and people) will take time to reach and I don’t know if it’s already too late to try for them.  I don’t know what it will be like if I ever arrive and how the natives will react.

One of the lessons from Richard Bach’s Bridge Across Forever” is that you can’t search for a soulmate; you have to do what you love and they’ll be attracted to that.  One of my problems is that right now I can’t do what I love to do so I don’t know how I’ll attract anyone compatible, much less my soulmate.  That’s frustrating for me and my need for instant gratification.